Let me start off by saying a few things. 1- This will be long, if you make it to the end, you deserve a cookie.. no seriously go get yourself a cookie! 2. I am no writer. At all. So please excuse my rambling, because honestly that's what this will probably end up being! And lastly 3. I do not feel like I have any sort of following or anything like that. BUT as a photographer I meet many MANY people and I do feel like I have some sort of platform to spread some awareness about the following ramblings im about to type out!
Everything you're about to read are my own thoughts. I've done ZERO research, although after typing that I feel like I should!
Ok here we go. I feel like there are different levels of anxiety. And while I feel like my anxiety is not severe, it's still something I struggle with every minute, and every second, of every day. I used to think (and often say) that I just had a restless mind. Because honestly the only time my brain stops is when I'm asleep, and sometimes not even then. I've now realized that its anxiety talking. Not just my brain. I'll give you an example of what a usual day in my head sounds like. While to the average person (is that even a thing) it may seem severe, to me its just a normal day. (I keep saying that my anxiety isn't severe, let me explain my thoughts on that. Again, these are just my thoughts. I feel like with severe anxiety people experience things like: anxiety attacks, extreme fear, suicidal thoughts, etc. I have never experienced any of those things.)
Typical day- Wake up. Get ready for the day. The thoughts start rolling in. I always think things like. I'm wearing too much make up, people are going to think im crazy. This is just Lexington. This shirt is too tight, this ones too loose, it makes me look huge. We're going to late for school. Again. (We're never late) I question every parenting thing I ever do or say. Am I too mean, am I too soft. Did I do this wrong. Or that. Drive home from school. There's a car riding my bumper. Is this person following me? Did I do something to piss them off? They pulled into my road, maybe I shouldn't go home. Maybe they really are following me. Oh good they pulled into another driveway. That's all before breakfast. I won't keep on with that or we'd be here all day. Literally!
I let my anxiety question everything. I almost quit photography this year. I have been blessed with my busiest year yet. 17 weddings booked already. 17!!! I sit here and think. I almost let anxiety take away one of my most loved passions. I try to hide it. No one knows really how bad it is some days. I don't want my kids to see it for fear of them developing the same issues. People that are really close to me know that my most used comments are: "I'm fine, I'm ok" When I'm in my comfort zone I'm at my best. Things and people I love keep me distracted from all the questions and what if and what should haves, etc. When I'm alone with nothing to do is when it's at its worst.
This week has been particularly hard. I've not been able to eat well. When my anxiety levels are at its highest I lose my appetite, my skin reacts and goes crazy. I've been patchy red all week. Mostly when life doesn't go the way I want it to. I wonder what I could have done or can do to fix it or make it right. No one really knows about my anxiety ( I guess they do now) It's not really something people talk about. I don't want any pity. I'm not ashamed of it, obviously, or I wouldn't be here typing at this moment (not that the thought of deleting this post hasn't crossed my mind 100 times so far). Of course I wish it would go away. But there's no easy fix. I can't just "get over it" "move on" "it can't be that bad" "just don't worry about it" I'm not broken and I don't need fixed. What I do need is reassurance. And not the "every thing will be ok" but more like. "I'm here for you", a listening ear, understanding (even though its hard for people to understand if they've never experienced it at some level.) I've noticed a lot of people have anxiety and the lack of care and understanding can ruin friendships, relationships, etc.
(Again with the rambling but this just crossed my mind.) I'm a jumpy person. If someone walks into the room where I am and I don't hear them first, if the dog barks, or the other day an amber alert went off on my phone. weather alerts coming across the TV or radio. I jump. I hate it. My kids have scared me several times, not on purpose, they think its funny, but I get mad. (Not angry or react, or snap at them) just mad that I jumped in the first place. It's silly to get scared all the time. And I get angry that I can't control it.
Anyways, my point in all this rambling is this. You don't know what another person is dealing with. I've found the happiest people suffer with depression. The most outgoing can have anxiety, the most beautiful suffer with body image issues, and so on. We shouldn't hide what's going on. We need to be more open, accepting, and honest with our friends, and our family. We don't need to assume, So and so seems to have to perfect life, but you don't know what's going on behind closed doors,
or even the fight they maybe having in their own mind. Social media lets people portray the life they want you to see. Everything is not as it seems on the internet. WE ARE ONLY HUMAN. We all make mistakes. I make them daily, but you have to apologize, move on, and try to be a better you, EVERYDAY!
I also want to say. While I do question everything I do, I will NOT let anxiety win. It's important to me to do the things I want to do and not let anxiety hold me back. It's not easy. I often wonder if I'll fail. But I'm not living life to the fullest if I don't give it shot and hope for the best.
If you made it to the end of this, thank you, and go get yourself that cookie now =]
